Chasing rainbows and ended with a pot of gold

It is funny how realization takes place when you are in deep depression or loneliness. It drives you to ponder on things that you wouldn’t normally think about. Loneliness eats you up until you decide that you can’t do it any longer or maybe when you feel like your tear ducts couldn’t release tears anymore. After the crying, sulking, cursing, hating and other emotions that bring you down subside, it’s the time when you ask yourself, why am I even crying? Is this even worth it? And so there, the magic of realization takes place.

My change of perspective began when the guy that I was dating for four years left me. I thought that I would never experience this again, relationship wise. I thought that my relationship would make me walk down the aisle and live happily ever after. I was too complacent, too blinded with love that I overlooked who I am, the things that make me happy. I shut down the people who really care for me, my family, my friends and even opportunities.  And in the process it sucked the life out of me. It took everything and what is left of me. I lost my self esteem, confidence etc. I can say that it shattered me. Our relationship was an area of my life that I declined to submit to God. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself why it ended. I have become selfish and I disregarded all the good values that were instilled in me. I felt so in debt to God because that was the only time that I prayed fervently. I didn’t like crying. My body has an automatic switch that goes off when I feel like I’m about to cry. When we broke up I think I cried for just 10secs and it stopped there. I was so confused on what to do. I partied every day, got wasted until I fall asleep, grabbed every activity that I could, to be busy. It’s hard to admit this but I had always been a flirt who lived for the buzz of romance, just to forget and somehow feel happy. I’ve been running away from one thing, but unconsciously running towards something else. Then after awhile when I thought that I was moving on the real challenge came, we met and talked again. It was there that I realized that all the partying was just short lived happiness. I was depressed again. Actually the pain was heavier and the fact sank in: that I could never have him back, even if he tells me that maybe someday blah blah well, who wants to be in limbo? One Sunday morning, when I learned that my ex was moving on and has someone already. I called up my friend and vented out. We were really not close but I know that there was a purpose why I chose to talk to her. Slowly, and in spite of my resistance, God peeled away layer after layer of wrong thinking, wrong values and wrong desires. He changed my heart. God sent His instrument for me to realize that He wants to talk to me and for me to know that He is there. My friend and I started praying; all of a sudden I was crying profusely not because of my ex but because I felt the love and presence of God unveiled in my heart. Loneliness started to fade away, every prayer that I have right now becomes fruitful, and my conversions with Him becomes my strength to move forward. He sees me, He loves me, and I’m the apple of His eyes. He taught me on how to be patient, to give without asking anything in return and lastly, on how to be happy by myself. All the while I thought He was just giving us a challenge (my ex and I) but no. He wanted me to learn all these things for me to be able to understand that I need to be a whole person first before submitting myself to someone, ”That I don’t need to chase love but to attract love. Love would find us as we embody it.” This is just a small part of let’s say my hell months of bad/wakeup call experiences because there is also this thing about my career and a jump from one relationship to another.  Oh how I wanted that relationship to work but then God gave me the nudge again and tells me “you’re not ready for this”. Sometimes, I jokingly pray to God and ask Him why He loves me so much, to give me such problems but after ranting, He tirelessly tell me and shows me that He loves me in ways unimaginable. And so now looking back, all I could say is that I don’t want it to happen any other way. Yes, I’m still rickety and gullible but I know that I’m on the right track towards my goal in being the best person with confidence, good judgment and patience. I will never again abandon myself to please another.


All I can chase right now are my dreams because I know God is still writing the best love story for me, whoever you are I know you’ll find me